If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
