I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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