dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
