"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
