When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
