matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
