Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
