My balls are so social today.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
