I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
