That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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