I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.