So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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