Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
In other news, I just burned my penis
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
