You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
