im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
