and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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