I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
