I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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