Where did you get a picture of my penis
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
