i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
