The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
