"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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