At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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