How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
