I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
