I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
