You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
