I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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