There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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