he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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