I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
