I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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