normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
