i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
