I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
