god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
