How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
