my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
