All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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