Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
