Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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