So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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