Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
