this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
