I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
