Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
