My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
