I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So many bounce houses so little time
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
