Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
