Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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