When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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