He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize