New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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