WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
